Nothing Feels Right

This past week, as I’ve been replaying Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball, I don’t feel as happy as I was previously.

Perhaps it’s the season, but then again, Autumn is my favourite season! I should be happy. Nothing particular is wrong (save for my poor relationship with my mother, my shaky relationship, and my lack of belonging – even within my friend group), and I forget all the things that are right.

I want to say what I always “preach” about: I should focus on the good and don’t let the bad things take me down.

However, I also say that it’s okay to be sad. The problem with this sadness is it’s been a week already. I can’t get into a routine discontentment.

So of course my solution is escape. I keep dreaming about moving northern towards London or Toronto, imagining that I would be happier there in a bigger city, with a bigger university, and a bigger friend group that I can feel really close to. I disregard all that I have here – my friends, family, boyfriend, and we can’t forget the pets – and imagine that without all this “weight’ that I would feel free.

The constant struggle for any person, but particularly teenagers it seems, is the idea that we’re lost and not where we’re meant to be. But as it stands, I am meant to be here because I am here. Right now. I keep dreaming of more, though. I know I’ll grow as a person and in my career, but I feel so trapped and lonely now, no matter how many friends I see day to day.

I’ll find a ‘home’ one day. I’ll find friends that will be my family. I’ll make my own traditions. Just not today.

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