I Don’t Know Where You Are Anymore…

Still I see something that will make me smile and I imagine your childish grin and high-pitched laugh alongside, gazing at it through your phone. Someone will say something relevant to one of your interests and immediately I grow enthusiastic and supportive. When I hear bad news and feel lost and alone, I remember your arms around me, how your voice would get quiet and gruff but promising and loving. 

But there is no more you and I laughing at jokes. There is no one to cheer for when I hear about rowing competitions or lifting experiences. There is no one to hold and reassure me on the cold nights. 

I’m supposed to take time to find myself, to be by myself and realize that there’s a world out there bigger than a teenager I dated in high school. But I found myself in you, found a home in you, and found a future in you. And though I’ve gotten to the point where I can envision a world without you I still cannot choose that world. I have to hold on to something that shared with me a light that emphasized the shadows but also illumined such beauty. 

If the man I loved still existed then I would continue to fight. I’m just afraid that when I said goodbye to you it meant the death of that person and the birth of a man I would never be able to share memories with, never learn to love, never be cared for by him. 

Maybe it’s all just temporary, but I still believe in you. Please believe in me. 


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