For the longest time I thought that I could go on misbehaving and that a good man would come, see beneath all of the bravado and realize I’m not such a bad person, actually. I thought that my actions did not equal my character and so this man would take me as who I was despite how I treated him, others, and myself. Somewhere in my nonsensical world I believed that, despite my act as a provocative, beat-down, runaway girl, he’d see that I just want to be a lady, eventually a housewife, and to find a home in this world.
But that’s bullshit.
Because how you treat others is how they’re going to see you. It’s not like the movies where the guy will laugh it off if you’re unreasonably rude to him and hurt him repeatedly. He won’t fight for you when you give him no signs that you’re interested – even if you write about him in your journal every night and sing every damn love song, hoping one day he’ll hear you. He’s not going to see past the guise because you’re not giving him any hint that it is a guise. If you act like a bitch, that’s who he’ll think you are. And you can’t blame him, or society, or anyone but yourself for letting the hurt affect your behaviour or for letting your fear of vulnerability push him away. You’ve got to own up to your weaknesses and show him who you really are because that’s who he’ll fall in love with.