Habits

My mom always says that a mood is a habit: you choose to be happy, sad, bitter, or anything else based on the course of your thoughts. And I’ve been really busy with horrible thoughts…

Sometimes it’s extremely hard to forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. I’ve been constantly reminding myself about the people I’ve hurt and the cruel things I’ve said and done. It’s dangerous to think this way because you start turning that bitter, hateful attitude onto yourself instead of actually trying to fix things.

I’ve done this before. I’ve spent so much of my life hating myself, denying myself of certain things because I felt so bad about the things I’ve done. You can get so wrapped up in what has happened that you lose all sense of who you are.

I binged for a long time before high school… then I began to deny myself food in freshman year… I went on 40-400 calories a day but worked out avidly. Now that I am over that (thank the Lord), I forget a lot about that period of time. I forget how weak and alone I felt. I forget that I conquered all of that myself. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t see anyone. God brought me to health.

I guess the things that happened since then (breakups, hookups, university) preoccupy my mind more often for obvious reasons, but at the root of all that happened was a girl that went from absolutely hating herself to absolutely loving life. It’s gone up and down since. As I said, I’ve been thinking some pretty bad thoughts lately. Life can get overwhelming. But if I can get through that, then maybe I can get through anything. Just maybe I’ll have a real shot at happiness again.

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