Though this is primarily my poetry blog, it started off as a personal blog, so I feel validated enough to write some of my thoughts down here.
So I haven’t been posting a lot. Well… I haven’t been writing a lot. And there are a number of reasons why.
I study English Literature and Creative Writing. The former is terrific and I’m in love with that program. I rave to everyone I know about how it has enriched my life and expanded so many of my horizons.
The latter has killed my creativity, ironically enough. 2 years in and I’ve been humiliated by my professor, told that my poems are actual trash and “should be taken to a wall to be shot,” etc. Although the competitive nature of the course has only taught me to compare myself to others and try what the top of the class students are doing so I can build my portfolio accordingly. I became a copycat… but a really terrible one. Nothing I did was creative or new or even me.
I lost my identity in writing. My favourite poem I’ve written is probably “Velvet Curtains and Atom Bombs (good morning, America).” I wrote that out of complete pain and emotion and I love the wording and imagery (if I do say so myself). It’s political and about love and hurt. It’s me.
But it isn’t me now. Now I am happy and in a long-term relationship. I’m more opinionated and debatabley less emotional. I’ve gone into a business and I’m learning much more than “just” literature (as if). I know who I am day-to-day but I can’t seem to find this person in writing. My poetry turns into bland words and fake emotions.
But I’ve decided that my dream of becoming a published writer shouldn’t die just because of lack of motivation or some harsh words from university profs. It shouldn’t die because I’m talking numbers and money more than I’m talking allegories and alliteration.
But it will die if I don’t feed it.
So I’m gonna write more (*heavy drums and thunder sound louder and faster*). I’m gonna take some time out of each (most) days to write something – anything. It could be poetry or my short story or the recreation of an old novel I wrote. I’m gonna fight through my fear of failure and judgment and lackluster writing.
Here’s to a journey to a me that I wanna be.